• Best Mans Speach
    (for Shaun Keaveny, BBC 6 Music poem, 6th September 2013)

    Ladies and Gentle men pray silence for the best man. Murray Lachlan Young

    Ladies and Gentlemen
    Before us stands the groom
    A man of many qualities
    And what a singular man he is:

    Fastidiously egalitarian,
    In his vulgarity

    Equitably unbiased
    In his dishonesty

    Reliably impartial,
    In his drunkenness

    And unswervingly objective,
    In his criminality

    Shoplifting, people trafficking
    Drug dealing and embezzling

    Blackmail, hostage taking
    Assault with a deadly weapon,
    Arson and sex slavery and fraud

    Reprehensibly improprietous and
    Feloniously Amoral
    Offensive, iniquitous and obscene

    He stands before us, on this his wedding day.
    Thick set, unshaven and menacing

    And I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say:
    It’s truly lovely to see
    He’s got so much in common
    With his bride.