(For Shaun Keaveny, BBC 6 Music poem, 6th September 2013)
Ladies and Gentle men pray silence for the best man. Murray Lachlan Young
Ladies and Gentlemen
Before us stands the groom
A man of many qualities
And what a singular man he is:
Fastidiously egalitarian,
In his vulgarity
Equitably unbiased
In his dishonesty
Reliably impartial,
In his drunkenness
And unswervingly objective,
In his criminality
Shoplifting, people trafficking
Drug dealing and embezzling
Blackmail, hostage taking
Assault with a deadly weapon,
Arson and sex slavery and fraud
Reprehensibly improprietous and
Feloniously Amoral
Offensive, iniquitous and obscene
He stands before us, on this his wedding day.
Thick set, unshaven and menacing
And I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say:
It’s truly lovely to see
He’s got so much in common
With his bride.