Best Mans Speach

(For Shaun Keaveny, BBC 6 Music poem, 6th September 2013)

Ladies and Gentle men pray silence for the best man. Murray Lachlan Young

Ladies and Gentlemen
Before us stands the groom
A man of many qualities
And what a singular man he is:

Fastidiously egalitarian,
In his vulgarity

Equitably unbiased
In his dishonesty

Reliably impartial,
In his drunkenness

And unswervingly objective,
In his criminality

Shoplifting, people trafficking
Drug dealing and embezzling

Blackmail, hostage taking
Assault with a deadly weapon,
Arson and sex slavery and fraud

Reprehensibly improprietous and
Feloniously Amoral
Offensive, iniquitous and obscene

He stands before us, on this his wedding day.
Thick set, unshaven and menacing

And I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say:
It’s truly lovely to see
He’s got so much in common
With his bride.