• 16 German spinsters


    Respectable German Spinsters both lovers of the arts
    They picnicked with the reverend Green and shared a rhubarb tart
    Then sherry at the vicarage plus ping-pong on the lawn
    Too soon it was reported that his trouser leg was torn
    He started dressing smartly his nasal hair sheared
    He took up Morris dancing and he grew a Prussian beard

    Respectable German spinsters they had a taste for Gin
    They hired in an artist who was Japanese and thin.
    He wore a clever loincloth a turban and a smirk
    His medium was rubber and he clearly loved his work
    The sculpture was appalling and certainly obscene
    It bore no true resemblance to her Majesty the Queen

    Respectable German spinsters they had so many friends
    They threw a summer party on the holiday weekend
    The number plates were foreign, the occupants oblique
    Apart from several Serbians who did not wish to speak
    They hired Mr. Smoochie the “mobile disco man”
    His web site was abandoned and they never found the van

    Respectable German spinsters the rumors grew and grew
    One night village unified and up the lane they flew
    The brownies carried torches the flames were hot and red
    Oh we know what your doing here the largest banner read
    The reverend tried calm them they tied him to a pole
    They brought the sculpture crashing down and cast it in a hole

    They tried to storm the main doors they found them bolted shut
    The mayoress gave a rousing speech on foreigners and smut
    They all sang Rule Britannia and then God Save the Queen
    The ladies netball captain smashed the sister’s window screen
    That seemed to start the frenzy the place was set a blaze
    Then someone shouted there they go they’re headed for the maze

    The netball team responded they gave a brutal cheer
    The Major followed smartly with an ancient Zulu spear
    They plunged into the labyrinth quite fearsome to behold
    The reverend shrieked in Latin from atop the swaying pole
    Someone produced a mantrap but this seemed far too late
    The sisters with athleticism leapt the five bar gate

    They reached the nearest hilltop and lit an orange flare
    The sound of rotors overhead swept through the cold night air
    They took hold of the harness let down from over head
    Their faithful Marcus winched them up and off the chopper sped
    They circled round the statue, recumbent in it’s hole
    They plucked the hapless Reverend from off his lonely pole

    The mayoress fired an air gun the brownies gave a cheer
    Then someone mentioned skittles and a decent pint of beer
    The major got his spear back the girl guides sang a Hymn
    The parish council disappeared the crowd grew quickly thin
    Some trouped off to the kings head, some to the willow tree
    The rest dispersed discreetly and were home in time for tea