Oh the pognophobe is a curious cove
Oh one wonders where one might begin
For the pognophobe sees a thief and a rogue
In a chap with a whiskery chin
When he ganders a fellow with billowing beard
Yes he’s struck psychologically
For he sees in the beard everything that he’s feared
Now he’s bellowing bellicously
In the goatee beard he see’s a snob
In the wispy beard he sees a slob
In a bushy beard he sees deceit
In a folksy beard he sees cheat
And a Christmas beard and a Christmas beard
Is as awful as awful can be
From a ginger bush there’s a tug and a push
As he clings to the top of the tree
His dreams are crowded by beardy men
As they frolic and caper and warble and croon
All naked and wanton and wicked and wild
As they dance to the light of the sinister moon
Beardy men, beardy men
Run from the sight of the beardy men
Beardy men beardy men
Oh don’t you want to be one of them?
He wakes in a sweat and he lathers it on
The razor is out and the stubble is gone
Then the hiss and the kiss of the eau de cologne
And the bristle retreats and he’s standing alone
Smooth as an egg, voice in his head
Loop in his brain, phobia fed
Beardy men beardy men
Run from the sight of the beady men
The pognophobe sees a terrible rogue
In a chap with a bristly skin
In the way that you cant see the wood from the trees
Well, he can’t see the beard for the chin
Beardy men beardy men
Oh don’t you want to be one of them?