• Pognophobia (6music poem, 16th August 2013)

    Oh the pognophobe is a curious cove
    Oh one wonders where one might begin
    For the pognophobe sees a thief and a rogue
    In a chap with a whiskery chin

    When he ganders a fellow with billowing beard
    Yes he’s struck psychologically
    For he sees in the beard everything that he’s feared
    Now he’s bellowing bellicously

    In the goatee beard he see’s a snob
    In the wispy beard he sees a slob
    In a bushy beard he sees deceit
    In a folksy beard he sees cheat

    And a Christmas beard and a Christmas beard
    Is as awful as awful can be
    From a ginger bush there’s a tug and a push
    As he clings to the top of the tree

    His dreams are crowded by beardy men
    As they frolic and caper and warble and croon
    All naked and wanton and wicked and wild
    As they dance to the light of the sinister moon

    Beardy men, beardy men
    Run from the sight of the beardy men
    Beardy men beardy men
    Oh don’t you want to be one of them?

    He wakes in a sweat and he lathers it on
    The razor is out and the stubble is gone
    Then the hiss and the kiss of the eau de cologne
    And the bristle retreats and he’s standing alone

    Smooth as an egg, voice in his head
    Loop in his brain, phobia fed
    Beardy men beardy men
    Run from the sight of the beady men

    The pognophobe sees a terrible rogue
    In a chap with a bristly skin
    In the way that you cant see the wood from the trees
    Well, he can’t see the beard for the chin

    Beardy men beardy men
    Oh don’t you want to be one of them?